February 15, 2013

UPDATE (2/15/13)
It’s so good to be back down here with Leah and Beckett. Beckett had another good night, and we are quite pleased with his continual progress. We haven’t really had any major set-backs for quite some time now (as some wouldsay, ‘knock-on-wood’). We do, however, battle the inevitable mindset of ‘when is something bad going to happen?’. Clearly that is an unhealthy mindset, so we continue to relish in the moments of ‘continual progress’ even though we have been conditioned (#Pavlov #DrMoeschbergerShoutOut) otherwise.
This then is where I’m afraid my update may skirt the line of a ‘personal journal’ and an ‘informative update’. I also apologize for writing so incredibly informal…I know I write like I talk (sorry #DrGaier). Hopefully y’all have been able to follow along just fine.
This week has been considerably difficult for me. At times I feel as if I’ve hidden it well, but then I’ve been randomly told ‘you look tired…yeah, I can see it in your eyes’. I keep telling myself (and others) that I’m ‘doing my best’, as if to verbally self-medicate the situation. Currently, I’m really struggling disengaging mentally from Beckett to focus on everyday responsibilities and especially my schooling. What may have already taken me a few hours to accomplish seems to take at least twice as long. When you reach Grad School, typically it is something you really care a lot about and, though challenging, you discover a new and fresh motivation to study and learn. Well, it’s currently so difficult to stay engaged in my studies right now when ALL I really want to do is be with my son and wife. My concerns aren’t really revolving around Research Articles, Qualitative Studies, and certainly not my Thesis. I’ve never had to struggle this hard to genuinely engage in my coursework than right now….and every time I do, I experience a great deal of regret and guilt. My priorities are here, with my family. I’ve explained it before that it may feel as if I’m juggling bowling balls, but I was going to try to see how long I could do it for….well, I guess I’m not really in good ‘bowling ball juggling shape’. 😉 Though I know classmates and professors may read this post, I couldn’t help to be a lil honest and vulnerable in this post. I do sincerely care about my other responsibilities, but this tension may be why they are called ‘responsibilities’ and not necessarily ‘hobbies’ or ‘leisure activities’. I just did the Clifton Strength’s Finder test (again), and was reminded that my top strength is ‘Responsibility’. This then should bode well for me, but it doesn’t necessarily make the situation any easier. I am reminded once again to conquer this journey one day at a time, and stop trying to do it on my own. But lets not so easily forget 2 Corinthians 12:10, when I’m weak He is strong. My pride too easily takes over, I won’t accept help, and worst of all I am deceived that I can do this without the Lord’s help. Contextually, I must be reminded of the verse right before 2 Corinthians 12:10…that “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. My faith and my God is not a crutch for life. I’ve seen the unexplainable, I’ve experienced ‘the effects of the wind’ though I cannot physically see God, he’s is so clearly all around me, and he cares. He cares about my melodramatic update. None of this is overlooked. I (WE) are in good hands, and the only hands I want to be in.
As always, ‘To God be the Glory’ (sorry how ‘Heisman Speech’ that sounds, but its true). Now on to my schoolwork in the lobby of a woman’s hospital. lol One day at a time.

— with Leah ‘Whiteley’ Rupp atSt. Vincent Women’s Hospital.

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