When is enough, enough?
How far can we bend till we break?
Today has been rough. Leah decided to not go in to work because of it (we are praying for no ramifications to her employment…we need her continual insurance), and I completely supported her decision. Beckett has been extremely restless and aggressively crying nearly all day. Is it withdrawals, is he in pain, are his lungs compressed against his big heart, is he hungry, is he uncomfortable…..? On-n-On-n-On We are now being told that they are pretty sure it’s cardiac related. Even though we’ve always appreciated “bad news” as long as it’s something rather than the unknown…this particular theory is very discouraging.
As I was attempting to pound out this update on my phone, he got so mad once again and dropped his heart rate lower than I’ve ever seen it into the 40s. I began to feel myself hit a breaking point and started to slowly “loose it”. I tried to hide it at first (a natural reaction), but couldn’t contain myself any longer. Leah noticed…and then it got worse. I just can’t help but ask the questions, “Why?” or “How is this fair (referring to Beckett, not me)?” or “When is it going to stop?”. Though emotionally driven, these questions are very real and difficult to wrestle with. I truly believe in “greater good”, and trust that God is allowing or doing greater things than we even know through this situation. Eventually, Leah walked up to me and said “Bigger things are going on outside of this little room”….and it’s true.
I believe it is not wrong to ask (or to BEG) for healing…and I will not stop. However, I must trust that my omnipotent creator is allowing this for a reason (sorry, but I’m not up for a theological debate here). We will take this a day at a time (ODAAT), and cry through it, plead through it, rejoice through it, and love deeper than we ever thought we could. There is no way we could be doing this without our faith, and you cannot challenge that unless you’ve been where I’ve been. God is good, all the time.
Please God…..heal my son!
because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”