Heart of Beckett

UPDATE (5/2/13)As Leah has mentioned, I cannot believe its already May. Even my exaggerated pessimism did not foresee us still being in the Hospital come May. Either way, here we are…still tag-teaming it, still taking it one step at a time.Beckett has been fussy today. I knew this official wean schedule would be challenging, and sure enough it has. Poor Leah has had two very draining days consoling Beckett and is now heading back to work tomorrow once again. I however, only have a few weeks left of grad school this semester, but unfortunately this upcoming week is gonna be killer. But as Leah reminds me, I’ll make it…it’ll all get done…one step at a time. In one of my classes today (College Student Mental Health), we talked about addictions and substance abuse. Then, briefly, we spoke about something much worse than substance abuse, and that’s substance dependence. My professor went on to explain how severe substance dependence is and how nasty the withdrawals can be. Well, if you are connecting the dots like I was, I couldn’t help but think of my precious little son and his substance dependence. His tolerance continues to rise and his withdrawal symptoms continue to worsen. It’ll probably get even worse before it gets much better…and we have a long ways to go.

I was holding Beckett this evening and he fell asleep beautifully in my arms. He looked comfortable, and I was comfortable. It doesn’t get much better than that. However, and suddenly, he woke and began to hysterically cry. I did all that I could to console him, but my efforts were ineffective. My poor lil son. I can only imagine what he is going through and how he is feeling. He looks up at me with his big brown eyes as if to say, “Why Dad?” …that’s enough to make you tear up (well, at least me). I so desperately want this to go away for him and truly desire to take all his pain upon myself if I could. However, this is our reality…moreover, this is Beckett’s reality. However, I choose to find joy and thankfulness in the little things:
– I said to the nurse earlier this evening that I’m glad Beckett is pooping. Ha, weird…but true.
– I told her that Leah and I are so thankful that Beckett is overall a very happy baby…that’s so awesome.
– I’m thankful for his cute little smile…It melts your heart.
– I’m thankful for wise Doctors and Nurses who care so diligently for him.
– I’m glad he is still with us…I hope to NEVER take that for granted.
– I’m just so thankful for him (period)
A list like this is not a means to self-medicate. These are truly things I wake up each morning and am grateful for…and this list hardly scratches the surface. I could go on-and-on about Beckett, about my beautiful wife, or about my committed family, or about my amazing friends. Life is too short to be ungrateful. I have no idea how many more days I may have with Beckett…so why spend them in regret and fear? I must choose to reevaluate and restructure my perspective. It’s not only healthy, but its honest, and liberating. I challenge you to do the same. Stay engaged with the “now”, enjoy its blessing and relish in the mystery called “life”.
Disclaimer: I’m not naive to think that life doesn’t get hard, and it sometimes doesn’t seem fair. There are times for mourning, and even times for anger. I just felt obliged to remind myself (via this blog) to recommit myself to a healthier perspective in everyday life…no matter how challenging it may appear.

Lastly, please continue to fight with/for Beckett. I can truly tell that he is fighting this withdrawal as hard as he can. I ask and pray that God will help him. But I ask all the more for God to be glorified through my son’s life and the testimony of God’s faithfulness and grace……….and may I clarify, not necessarily His faithfulness and grace simply because Beckett’s life has been spared thus far, but because of all God has and is doing so faithfully through Beckett’s journey. I beg and plead for Beckett’s life to be spared, daily…but I probably pray more often for God to be glorified throughout this entire journey.
…sorry, I got off on another rant, but again…please pray for Beckett. Please pray for Leah while she is at work tomorrow…and please pray for me to finish the semester strong (I’m SO close…one day at a time).

Psalm 142:8
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You”

Hebrews 13:15
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise–the fruit of lips that confess His name.

(sorry if this post was disjointed…it’s been a long day)

#ODAAT
#GoBeckett