I was holding Beckett this evening and he fell asleep beautifully in my arms. He looked comfortable, and I was comfortable. It doesn’t get much better than that. However, and suddenly, he woke and began to hysterically cry. I did all that I could to console him, but my efforts were ineffective. My poor lil son. I can only imagine what he is going through and how he is feeling. He looks up at me with his big brown eyes as if to say, “Why Dad?” …that’s enough to make you tear up (well, at least me). I so desperately want this to go away for him and truly desire to take all his pain upon myself if I could. However, this is our reality…moreover, this is Beckett’s reality. However, I choose to find joy and thankfulness in the little things:
– I said to the nurse earlier this evening that I’m glad Beckett is pooping. Ha, weird…but true.
– I told her that Leah and I are so thankful that Beckett is overall a very happy baby…that’s so awesome.
– I’m thankful for his cute little smile…It melts your heart.
– I’m thankful for wise Doctors and Nurses who care so diligently for him.
– I’m glad he is still with us…I hope to NEVER take that for granted.
– I’m just so thankful for him (period)
A list like this is not a means to self-medicate. These are truly things I wake up each morning and am grateful for…and this list hardly scratches the surface. I could go on-and-on about Beckett, about my beautiful wife, or about my committed family, or about my amazing friends. Life is too short to be ungrateful. I have no idea how many more days I may have with Beckett…so why spend them in regret and fear? I must choose to reevaluate and restructure my perspective. It’s not only healthy, but its honest, and liberating. I challenge you to do the same. Stay engaged with the “now”, enjoy its blessing and relish in the mystery called “life”.
Disclaimer: I’m not naive to think that life doesn’t get hard, and it sometimes doesn’t seem fair. There are times for mourning, and even times for anger. I just felt obliged to remind myself (via this blog) to recommit myself to a healthier perspective in everyday life…no matter how challenging it may appear.
Lastly, please continue to fight with/for Beckett. I can truly tell that he is fighting this withdrawal as hard as he can. I ask and pray that God will help him. But I ask all the more for God to be glorified through my son’s life and the testimony of God’s faithfulness and grace……….and may I clarify, not necessarily His faithfulness and grace simply because Beckett’s life has been spared thus far, but because of all God has and is doing so faithfully through Beckett’s journey. I beg and plead for Beckett’s life to be spared, daily…but I probably pray more often for God to be glorified throughout this entire journey.
…sorry, I got off on another rant, but again…please pray for Beckett. Please pray for Leah while she is at work tomorrow…and please pray for me to finish the semester strong (I’m SO close…one day at a time).
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You”
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise–the fruit of lips that confess His name.
(sorry if this post was disjointed…it’s been a long day)