I’m not even quite sure how to begin this post. Beckett is “ok”, but he is just withdrawing soooo hard, and it’s soooo heartbreaking and draining….and to be quite honest, it’s even scary. Leah and I keep saying, “we’ve been here before”…and it wasn’t something we were eager to return to. Where it gets so scary is that Beckett is often too underestimated and often treated like a “normal” baby when it comes to doses of medicine, or wean schedules, or even his irritability. In fact, one time a doctor questioned my concern of his withdrawal to “normal 4 month old baby stuff”. And I understand that he may exude signs of normal baby behavior, but not necessarily when he’s been weaned off of nasty narcotics and demonstrating abnormal behavior…even for him. Either way, and like I said before, Leah and I just get a little “on edge” when heavy doses of deja vu begin to set in. We begin to see his oxygen support continue to rise, his heart rate then follows that same trend, and before you know it we are “beyond the point of no return” and the nasty word “REintubate” creeps its way back into everyone’s lexicon. That would be a huge step backwards, and we keep begging for the physicians to continue to brainstorm ideas that aren’t necessarily “textbook”. For example, the pharmacist’s original plan was to wean Beckett off the fentanyl .25 EVERYDAY. I remember thinking, please no! I had to advocate and request for at least an every-OTHER-day wean…which we were ‘t even able to stick with this past week. I think we actually only got 2 official weans in (as in, he’s down a full .5 from 1.75). And even that has been extremely difficult for Beckett to handle. This week confirms my pessimistic concern that we will definitely still be here (in the Hospital) for a while longer. I surely hope I’m wrong, but I’m concerned I am not.
Sooo, here we are…fighting right alongside of our son. Praying for healing, trusting in God’s sovereignty, and reaching personal limits quicker than ever before.
Exodus 17 has never been more applicable in our (and certainly Beckett’s) life. We feel the need and assistance of “Aaron and Hur” like Moses did when fighting the Amalek.
11 Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. 12 But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. 13 And Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the sword.
As stated in previous posts, we depend on The Lord for our strength. He DOES “give” us more than we can handle, and that reminds us of our complete and utter dependence on Him.
(Please reference the January 29th post: https://heartofbeckett.com/2013/01/29/january-29-2013-3/)
However, that support may come from others as well. We continue to welcome in the most selfless way we can the prayer and support from you all (as you have been so diligent and generous throughout this entire journey). Leah is back to work again tomorrow, I then leave for home tomorrow night when she makes the two hour drive back here to Indy. We are overwhelmed with the balance of immediate responsibities, let alone additional issues like our roof leaking at home, we now found out we have to replace our bathtub (cause its leaking), and we are receiving bills in the mail with 7 figures on it. But God is good, I KNOW he’s in control, and I’m genuinely trying to welcome the trials at hand, as these will only strengthen me, my wife, my family, and even my son! We are also not ignorant to the impact Beckett’s journey and story is having on so many others…many whom we’ve never even met before.
Thanks everyone. We truly love you all (and I don’t just say that because it seems like a nice way to wrap up a post). We are forever indebted to your care and support!