-‘Tortoise and the Hare’-
What a crappy day (pardon my already censored ‘french’)! Today began with us walking up to Beckett’s room and seeing a piece of equipment that we already said goodbye to last week. Respiratory was hooking Beckett back up to VapoTherm. Just to clarify (from more severe to less severe), there is the Ventilator (when we speak of being intubated and extubated), then the VapoTherm, then a nasal cannula, then nothing. We were at the nasal cannula as of last night. To see the VapoTherm was quite disheartening, and didn’t just feel like a step backwards, it was a step backwards.
As the day progressed, he continued to look like he was struggling. His breathing was heavier than normal, and he seemed much more irritable than usual. It went unspoken between Leah and I, but as we’d look at each other, it seemed as if we were communicating the same degree of frustration, confusion, fear, and exhaustion. We kept watching his levels on the monitor (as I compulsively do), and noticed his heart rate ‘resting’ at a level where he usually is when he’s angry and crying. Additionally, his breaths per minute were consistently rising. It got to a point where I just had to say something to the nurse, so I went on to explain everything I just typed above in my non-medically-educated verbiage. At that moment, everything began to escalate. Leah had just stepped out of the room a few minutes before this and returned to my facial expression of a sad attempt to disguise my fear and anxiousness. This lead to us waiting in the room for the Doctor in which we overheard him (the Doctor) outside the door say the word ‘intubate’. Leah is who overheard it first and couldn’t help but repeat ‘Intubate?!’. Within minutes we were being ushered out of Beckett’s room with hugs from some of the nurses as they wheeled in Beckett’s Ventilator. This then, was our breaking point. As we cried holding one another, we composed ourselves enough to call and tell our families.
So here we sit, mixed emotions of proper perception and embracing a healthy anger towards the current circumstances. Leah and I read this morning from our devotions to not be anxious. I remember laughing with her right afterwards because our devotions that warn of difficult scenarios has been eerily accurate and applicable to our day at hand.
So…..Beckett is now intubated (again), they drew more blood cultures, they did a CRP (a measurement of infection), he’s back on a Fentanyl Drip (for pain and sedation), and he’s currently NPO (nothing passed orally…so he doesn’t do feedings anymore, again). To frustrate the situation all-the-more, the doctors aren’t really sure what to do next. We are all now basically watching to see what may ‘surface’ these next few days. Even though we are frustrated with the lack of answers or solutions, so are the doctors and nurses. So again, we take it a day at a time…lean into the Lord’s sovereignty, and enjoy another day with our beautiful son!
And so I conclude, though the journey may be long and progress is immeasurably slow…the Tortoise Won by a Hare.
1 Thessalonians 5:16–18
‘Worry is interest paid on a debt you may never owe.’
— with Leah ‘Whiteley’ Rupp atSt. Vincent’s Women’s Hospital.
know that I’m thinking of you all.
praying for that sweet, sweet baby boy.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could’ve been there today to be one giving you guys hugs. Thinking about you both and Beckett.
So sorry to hear of the rough couple days you three have had. Still praying for strength & answers for you, and wisdom for the doctors and nurses. Look forward to hopefully better days to come.
Words are just so inadequate…just be assured of our prayers and petitions on Beckett’s behalf and yours as well. My heart aches for you all and what you’re are going through. Your faith and trust in the sovereignty of God is obviously what is carrying you through…may God continue to carry Beckett and you both in His loving arms throughout each day. Be assured of my fervent prayers…
You two are no doubt the bravest people I have ever had the privilege to know.
Words are meaningless, but when put into a rhyrhm of prayer, they can be powerful. So like everyone else, we are counting on that power like no other to get this gorgeous little guy through this rough spot. How dare any of the rest of us complain about ANYTHING in our life right now! I’ll be waiting for news that will knock my socks off!!!
Love from yout neighbor…..Doris Wallace