-‘Tortoise and the Hare’-
What a crappy day (pardon my already censored ‘french’)! Today began with us walking up to Beckett’s room and seeing a piece of equipment that we already said goodbye to last week. Respiratory was hooking Beckett back up to VapoTherm. Just to clarify (from more severe to less severe), there is the Ventilator (when we speak of being intubated and extubated), then the VapoTherm, then a nasal cannula, then nothing. We were at the nasal cannula as of last night. To see the VapoTherm was quite disheartening, and didn’t just feel like a step backwards, it was a step backwards.
As the day progressed, he continued to look like he was struggling. His breathing was heavier than normal, and he seemed much more irritable than usual. It went unspoken between Leah and I, but as we’d look at each other, it seemed as if we were communicating the same degree of frustration, confusion, fear, and exhaustion. We kept watching his levels on the monitor (as I compulsively do), and noticed his heart rate ‘resting’ at a level where he usually is when he’s angry and crying. Additionally, his breaths per minute were consistently rising. It got to a point where I just had to say something to the nurse, so I went on to explain everything I just typed above in my non-medically-educated verbiage. At that moment, everything began to escalate. Leah had just stepped out of the room a few minutes before this and returned to my facial expression of a sad attempt to disguise my fear and anxiousness. This lead to us waiting in the room for the Doctor in which we overheard him (the Doctor) outside the door say the word ‘intubate’. Leah is who overheard it first and couldn’t help but repeat ‘Intubate?!’. Within minutes we were being ushered out of Beckett’s room with hugs from some of the nurses as they wheeled in Beckett’s Ventilator. This then, was our breaking point. As we cried holding one another, we composed ourselves enough to call and tell our families.
So here we sit, mixed emotions of proper perception and embracing a healthy anger towards the current circumstances. Leah and I read this morning from our devotions to not be anxious. I remember laughing with her right afterwards because our devotions that warn of difficult scenarios has been eerily accurate and applicable to our day at hand.
So…..Beckett is now intubated (again), they drew more blood cultures, they did a CRP (a measurement of infection), he’s back on a Fentanyl Drip (for pain and sedation), and he’s currently NPO (nothing passed orally…so he doesn’t do feedings anymore, again). To frustrate the situation all-the-more, the doctors aren’t really sure what to do next. We are all now basically watching to see what may ‘surface’ these next few days. Even though we are frustrated with the lack of answers or solutions, so are the doctors and nurses. So again, we take it a day at a time…lean into the Lord’s sovereignty, and enjoy another day with our beautiful son!
And so I conclude, though the journey may be long and progress is immeasurably slow…the Tortoise Won by a Hare.
1 Thessalonians 5:16–18